I don’t wanna go back there…….
Please i can’t look back there….
Back to that moment….
Where my life fell apart.
Where my heart, was shattered.
Crumbled, withered & tattered.
A painful memory & moments,
From long ago.
Misty eyes, from those long hours of heartbreaking emotional cries.
Breathing, minute by minute.
Not knowing if you’re going to make it.
Everyday blurring into the next.
Never in my life have i felt more stressed.
Chain smoking cigarettes, mind full of countless regrets.
Fear of the unknown, growing each day.
Waking each morning, surprised i didn’t slip away.
900 milligrams, anti depressant.
Still didn’t numb the pain, that was ever consistent.
6months i lived with my aunt.
I had a home, but i couldn’t face going back to that place on my own.
When i did go back.
Memories haunted the walls, like lingering ghosts.
A single bedroom, belonging to the person i missed the most.
Living day by day.
Date by date.
Month by month.
Heightened emotional state.
As the years went by & things slowly changed.
New hope blossomed from the carnage.
After long 9 years.
I’m actually looking back.
Like taking off a plaster & looking at an old wound.
Looking how far I’ve come.
From a shy little wall flower – into ash- then rising as a phoenix from the flames.
I doubt I’ll ever look back at this again.
Layer by layer, trauma surfaced, revealed, acknowledged & healed.
From 22 – to – 33.
I’m not the same Woman i used to be!