Over the last few days.
I’ve been trying to break patterns & behaviour cycles.
I felt triggered yesterday & it resulted in feelings & memories all flooding to the surface. I broke down, i cried. I ended up draining myself mentally & in the end came down with a mild fever, nausea & headache.
I tried to attempt shadow work.
At 1 moment yesterday i realised i was my own shadow. Then i was second guessing myself as couldn’t it be the victim mentally.
I thought I’d overcome so much when in fact i might of been side stepping a few bits (if the patterns kept reappearing).
Today I’m feeling drained & needing to rest (before work later).
It’s similar to being back in the Catapillar Sludge stage again.
For me personally….. it has felt like slight depression creeping back in. And this is my own personal battle as I’ve been through that battle ground & it’s not as easy to navigate. I haven’t felt depression in years & there’s no set limit on how long the healing takes.
I didn’t realise this part of energy clearing or trying to do shadow work would feel like an uncharted journey into unknown territory.
I’m trying to be as kind to myself as i can be. Without old depression patterns from the past coming back in (when i had depression, i had days where i didn’t want to get out of bed & just cocoon myself in the blanket).
Rest & sleep to my these days is recharging my body & letting my cells recover & recuperate.
Honestly…….. i don’t think i was prepared for this kind of energy clearing/shadow work (i normally have the attitude of jumping straight in & figuring things out as i go).
I won’t lie, what happened yesterday was hard to navigate. Even whilst i was working, the hours prior to work were still lingering on my mind.
But work was a good focus & i had a good friend with me (working with your best friend 😊).
Apart from 2 loved ones in my life who i used to turn to in times of crisis & the year my world fell apart.
I’ve always tried to sort things on my own (if i was feeling low, i used to isolate myself from people. As i didn’t want my feelings affecting others). Keeping a thoughts & feelings diary to write in as & when became my release.
Weird thing is, i haven’t felt like writing in a while. Even my college course work has been written out but typing it up has been put on pause.
I’m trying to navigate working through this. I feel I’m back in Catapillar Sludge mode.
I know I’ll be ok & i understand old patterns & behaviours must be resolved once & for all to move onto the next stage of who I’m yet to become.
It’s Thursday today (2more nights of work) then i can fully encase myself in healing during the weekend. Before a new week starts & i hopefully step into new beginnings.
Be kind to yourself.
You don’t need to know it all straight away.
Allow people to be there for you for support & comfort.
It’s ok to cry.
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
Over the last few days.