*I’ve been debating whether to publish this or not. I’ve decided to publish so it can light the way out of the darkness for someone who may be at a low period in their lives.*
I’ve realised a few things about myself this week.
1) i don’t like getting close to people.
2) i sometimes find it hard to make friends.
3) I’ve been in a negative mindset cycle for so long/so many years.
Getting close to people…………
There’s a sad reason why i don’t like getting close to people. It’s because during my life, I’ve lost a few people close to me.
Some have passed from this physical life & others have merely drifted apart. When someone leaves my life it can take me months (sometimes even years) to process the emotions that pop up (could i of done things differently? Said things differently? What ifs? Etc).
I go into Victimhood mode sometimes (woe is me 🎻).
I’ve noticed that alot lately & over the course of my life.
I’ve found when i get really close to someone, i lose my independence & co depend (co-dependancy) on them (information, advice etc).
Which can be really annoying for some people at times (it can cause them to trigger). Thus sometimes people leave.
It also happens when we’re not on the same frequency/wavelength anymore.
Another aspect of that is Change.
I can easily adapt to new situations yet i miss the person who has left (who I’ve lost touch with).
I know we all change & evolve yet at times i wonder if i was the cause of them leaving?.
I question everything & tend to overthink when I’m in that frame of mind.
It can be hard for me to get out of sometimes.
Yet as time passes, i adapt. I go within myself & sort of have a reset of things.
Ultimately- I Learn.
Also it’s why i have a tendency to sort my own shit out & go ghost every once in a while. It’s taken me a while not to shut people out & let others help me (hold space).
I’m still sorting a few things out (as, when & should they ever pop up. Emotions).
I find it hard to make new friends as I’ve felt I’ve never been accepted (at times in my life) even by those closest to me by blood. At 1st i come across as shy & distant. As i don’t want to mess things up. However once i feel at ease i tell jokes, rude innuendos, sarcasm, funny etc. I’ve got a few people in my life who i can fully be myself with, without feeling i need to watch my mouth or what i tell them. I have trust issues, i trust very few people & once that trust is broken. That’s it they never get close to me ever again. They get the basic conversion & minimal replies. I’m a very guarded person (I’ve been hurt alot in my life & now it’s turned into a Trauma Response. Thick skin).
Growing up it was always embedded by some people near me to “Just get on with it”.
In my teens i used to self harm with a pencil sharpener blade (it was never on the inner wrist only on the outer wrist of the arm). Those closest didn’t even know.
Writing was my release.
Over the years I’ve realised i got into a negative mindset.
Always predicting the worst case scenario (what ifs).
It became a mindset.
It’s taken me a while to realise that.
These past few days/months/year alot has changed.
I’ve realised alot & I’m realising alot as each moment passes.
Noticing old behavioural patterns/cycles.
The feeling of being through certain bullshit before (Déjà vu more like Déjà Poo).
I think/feel this is the most honest & open blog i have ever written about. Many may not know me in life personally, yet i wanted to share a little bit of me (Who I’ve been, Who I AM & Who i am yet to BEcome).
I AM healing alot in these moments (these past few weeks). I’m also clearing alot of old energies & healing alot of my personal lineage in the process. After all as the Spiritual saying goes……..
“You were chosen by your ancestors to clear & heal your ancestral karma/traumas/old behaviours. It’s a special position & you are strong”.
Or something along those lines.
Keep going……….
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
©KM2022
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Lyrics By Luna 