Yet no matter what i do.
I can’t seem to out run the feeling.
This has been 1 of the lowest moments.
No number of distractions.
Are kick starting the healing.
I’m stone faced.
I’ve had many moments, yet i can’t seem to shift this one.
Can’t seem to find my way.
Circle after cycle.
Can’t seem to navigate myself even if i wanted to.
Down down down.
Paint on a fake smile.
And act like a clown.
Can’t stay here too long.
Otherwise I’ll drown.
Look back as much as you choose.
It still won’t shift those Shoulda Woulda Coulda blues.
This past week has been an eye opener.
I’ve realised over the years I’ve had many badges/labels.
Hoarder crap sorter.
The sad truth is, this week i realised that i was merely existing not living.
Daily routines turned into a Groundhog day cycle.
I snapped in moments today & pushed someone away as my patience limit had been reached & i was left longing for separation.
When i was told a to ‘focus on me’.
I didn’t realise how daunting it would be to actually face myself & look the shadow aspects of myself straight in the eye & say Enough Of This Shit, It Ends Now!.
I have had moments where I’ve felt lost yet now I see it as a new direction/new path.
In low moments this past week.
I wanted to shut everything off (even my Spiritual side) climb under the duvet & just sleep/hibernate.
As I’d really just had enough of everything.
Hormonal changes (tend to lead to the build up too).
The thing about feel-IN-g like this is that it can be hard to shift as you get used to the feeling/mindset of ‘woe is me’.
You get comfy in your own bed of bullshit basically & bluntly.
I’ve tried everything this week to get out of this mindset to the fact that I’d just had enough & wanted to hibernate til Winter/Spring.
I’ve also grown fond of naps/going to bed each night to sleep just to escape the low feeling that I’ve been dwelling in like a lodger overstaying their welcome for far too long in moments this week.
I’m well aware if things don’t shift there’s a possibility it could turn into depression (I’ve been there many years ago & it ain’t a pretty place to be).
I can’t shake the feeling that I’m meant to be doing more with my life & I’m in a desperate mood to move & start a fresh (new surroundings).
There’s only so many times you can decorate & improve a property before things get stagnant & a bigger change (home move) is needed. A fresh start.
I’m also going through another cycle (behavioural patterns I’m aware of).
Growing up I relied so much on the advise & support of 2 individuals.
Yet when they passed on from this physical life, i found it so hard to adjust to the change & i often went through periods/moments of feeling lost & alone.
I’ve been going through this (cycle) for a month now.
Yeah, I’m feeling lost & the longing emotions of missing.
Yet I’d also realised, i wasn’t growing/evolving as i should of been.
I was going, venting, being supported then going through my personal behavioural cycles over & over.
Bluntly & honestly.
I wasn’t sorting shit.
It had become a safety net.
One that I’d got too comfortable in & thus leading/turning into Co Dependency.
Now in these days/moments I have the time to rediscover myself.
Yet the thing is, what i used to enjoy.
Is no longer filling the void.
And that’s what’s really getting/gotten to me like a deep thorn in the side that you can’t reach only scratch.
No amount of tv, music, drawing, painting or poetry writing is working.
I’m not looking for a distraction.
I’m looking for a solution.
I’m looking forward to getting my arse in the gym this month so hopefully i can exercise all the overthinking out of my system by running miles on the treadmill & losing the weight in the process.
Can unshifted/stored emotions/behavioural patterns manifest into fat cells in the body?.
Just an idea 🤣
I’m trying my hardest to sort/shift this (these emotions/feel-in-gs), yet it’s like never-ending vines that keep growing back & holding me down/not letting me move forward.
And i don’t wanna bypass the bullshit, not fully release/heal/fully break the chains/cycles then have these emotions/feelings pop up again & then go through the behavioural cycle over & over.
Just as you think you’ve worked through something.
Another aspect will pop up that needs healing & needs to be released.
Just came to the realisation whilst writing that everything I’ve been experiencing this passed month is all pointing in 1 direction.
I didn’t have faith in relying solely on myself.
Yes it’s important to have others to be there for you & hold space.
Yet it’s only a 1 way healing route.
You need to also put the work in & work on yourself.
You hold the power.
You hold all the healing.
Now it’s time to love & heal yourself.
Sat here listening to Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart Classic Radio Remix (on Spotify).
I’m not thinking about anyone, other than who i dreamed I’d BEcome growing up before all the shitshow situations/scenarios of adulthood hit.
If you’re reading this.
You are right.
I do need to focus on me.
You gave me confidence.
You gave me support.
You held space for me.
You believed in me.
You didn’t leave me, you gave me wings to fly on my own.
& You showed me in the most respectful way, my own bullshit which MUST be acknowledged, transformed, healed & shifted.
I pushed someone far away in lastnight’s moments.
To the point where they cried.
I told them they could get better & be happier. They didn’t understand why i was pushing them away til i explained.
I explained the reason i was binge watching a series was because it took my mind off the overthinking & low mood i was experiencing.
I said how many times have i binge watched a series.
Then they realised.
The person that’s most hard on me is myself.
No one else.
I’ve gone a decade maybe more carrying around a huge bag of mistakes & regrets.
They always hover like a dark rain cloud ready at the ready for a down pour.
Lastnight i explained that i didn’t feel good enough.
I felt like a failure.
I felt like my life was a Groundhog day of existing not living.
And the reason i didn’t tell them how i was truly feeling was because whenever i told them something (plans, appointments etc) they never remembered/listened.
It was a cycle of feeling i had to explain myself repeatedly (a cycle I’ve never managed to shake off since childhood).
So lastnight i was in a moment of no wanting to talk, not wanting to explain & not wanting to fix things all the time (another childhood emotional behavioural cycle).
I also went through a moment when i said that i didn’t want to be here anymore (that was an old behavioural cycle of past depression rearing it’s head ready to take centre stage & fuck everything I’d fought so hard to stay grounded & rise above everything).
It didn’t win.
I come from a long line of brave & courageous ancestors.
Stubbornness & not giving up runs through my veins & in my lowest moments i cling on & hold onto that strength.
Like a tenacious pitball refusing to get go of a chew toy.
I remember where i came from.
And in those brief moments, i feel them beside me more strongly.
Comforting & supporting me.
You see, i find it so easy to uplift & help others (I’ve helped a few along my path in life).
Yet when that experience is focusing inward (that i need healing).
I find it hard to help, heal & support myself.
I’ve found it hard to accept myself & felt tied at times to carrying others (putting others needs before my own even when my intuition was screaming no).
I woke up early today & popped to the shops. The sun was rising & the fluffy clouds were against a baby blue sky.
I felt so grateful to be awake & alive.
In those early waking moments today i decided to shift the focus to myself & focus on my healing.
I’m not made of stone.
I’m approachable, not accessible.
I’ve realised in these moments.
Instead of being told who to be through all those childhood, teen, adolescence years, 20’s & beyond.
I should of just allowed myself to be myself & shut all negative talk (from myself as well as others) out.
I dwelled there, in those brief moments for decades. Never letting go of the negative mindset & tying myself down for an awfully long time.
A mask being put on to please another.
Taking more of the pain on to lessen it for another (even if it was in fact their karma).
Placing others first for healing & uplifting, instead of myself.
Neatly placing my needs upon a shelf.
Stuck in stone.
Depression moments, of feeling alone.
Acting the fool, to hide how i felt.
My dreams & wishes.
Kept hidden on a shelf.
Losing a gentle part of me.
Long lost in a sea of tears.
Never ending circles of not truly facing my fears.
Not looking the shadow direct in the eye.
No matter how much i knew it would make me cry.
I’m breaking these cycles once & for all.
No more victimhood, self pity or sorrow.
I’m determined to heal my wounds.
And the more i do the inner work.
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.