Instagram Mini Blog 17/07/2022

When i was advised to Focus On Myself a month ago.

I really didn’t like it.

I went through feel-in-gs of….

Mild depression.
Up & down moods.
Grief at evolving connections.

I went through a few moments of abandonment (& that’s when the ‘Victimhood’ persona/shadow was screaming in my face).

I genuinely felt lost & deeply alone.

It became a cycle as the weeks passed.

Yet, when i looked deeper into why i was feeling that way (when we’re faced with those emotions. It can be from other people mirroring at times/deep wounds/trauma/past etc. Thus we need to look within ourselves to find the root & start the healing).

I refused to rush this healing & sat with it for 3-4weeks. Acknowledging each emotion that popped up, deeply examining it (have I felt this way before? If so why?).
How can i resolve this & clear/heal the cycle once & for all?.

Turns out………

I didn’t know myself.
I didn’t trust myself.
At times i truly hated being on my own as I went through cycles of looking back, wreaking my brain for past solutions & overthinking.

For me, this has been the toughest cycle I’ve had to break.

Facing myself.
Forgiving myself.
Finding myself.

I’ve been throughly observing my behaviour under a mindful microscope each moment also.

I’m still uncovering forgotten childhood hobbies which I enjoyed (I’ve discovered painting has been a release for me).

At present, I’m anti-social.
As I know there are aspects of grey shadows/shades which will need attention & healing as/when they pop up. And for me to fully clear those cycles, they will need my attention (as well as living my life each day/each moment).

I’ve found I’m not looking forward to days (pay day, days out etc). Infact I’m looking forward to BEing present in each moment (& miraculously doing so has also stopped the heart palpitations & anxiety. Which I AM over the moon ).

I’m more chilled out & mindful.
I still love the connections I’ve made (as each 1 has taught me so much & I will carry the knowledge with me each step I take going forward).
I’m emerging.
I’m evolving.
I’m nurturing, nourishing, encouraging & supporting myself.
Every moment & each step.

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