Yesterday was a hard day for me.
I was feel-ing- low, stressed, anxious, frustrated & angry.
What had lead me to those moments was a build up of stored emotions (past trauma behaviour/patterns as well as present moments yesterday).
What triggered me was a cycle of behaviour.
1) not feeling listened to/having to repeat myself.
2) another’s repeated anxiety pattern which caused frustration as I’d tried to help them repeatedly.
3) not feeling valued/appreciated.
In low moments yesterday, i felt so low it lead to a past behavioural pattern of mine (1 of which i am not proud of nor am i happy that i allowed myself to get that low yesterday it triggered a past behavioural response from my teens).
Growing up i never felt i could approach my mother for when i needed advice/comfort. Whenever i would turn to her the response was “just get on with it”.
I turned to 2 family members which my mother didn’t like as she felt i should of turned to her.
Whenever my mother rowed with me growing up, i instantly when into defense mode (it was always the tone i picked up on). Then my father would get involved & say “you should say sorry to your mother” despite my protests that she had started 1st.
Also a childhood memory popped up for me in yesterday’s moments.
I’d had 2 fights with my brother growing up (1 was of me not logging off the laptop quickly enough & the other was of not giving him the sky remote) my parents were out.
At the time he attacked me. I was in my teen years & despite me being older & a female, he thought it was ok to attack me.
He was a shit fighter & a pompus little prick.
The 2nd time he tried attacking me. I remember coming downstairs later on in the evening hours after the fight & my mother had the audacity to tell me “you should say sorry, he is covered in cuts & bruises”.
I looked him & pointed to the glass backdoor & said “you see that door?, next time you touch me you’ll be going through it!”.
Even to this day many years later, i still carry a hatred of that particular brother.
Despite my parent’s protests of ‘he’s your brother’. Not by choice & sometimes blood isn’t thicker than water.
I’ve got diaries from my childhood/teenhood filled with stories/moments of when i was depressed/sad & self harming. Don’t get me wrong, i do love my parents they have helped me alot especially financially yet sometimes i would give it all up (all the toys/money of my childhood) for a decent relationship with my mum, for my mum to listen to me & be approachable & someone i could turn to without judgement/criticism.
The mother/daughter bond is precious.
We all come from a mother.
It brought back alot of memories yesterday. From the row with my partner, to me feeling so alone & depressed, to talking it through & crying in my partner’s arms explaining why my defenses were up.
I even spoke to a friend as i went to work yesterday.
I don’t find it easy to cry. There was always that stereotypical behaviour of ‘just getting on with it’ / brushing feelings under the carpet & pretending they don’t exist.
I realised yesterday whilst i was at work hoovering, that those past traumas/behaviours/cycles came up to the surface to be healed & released.
I even fixed things with my partner lastnight as it was our relationship cycle that triggered me thus making me remember old cycles/behaviours from my childhood/teen years.
It ultimately lead me to the dark reminder that i can’t save/help everyone as not all are ready to be helped & not all can hear me.
I also came across a few posts over the last 24hrs of how trauma/behaviours can be passed down from generation to generation (i will add the information i found from 2 amazing sources below).
Looking at my behaviour as a daughter & thus a mother has made me realise I too have also passed a few traits/behaviours down also.
And maybe my relationship with my eldest daughter has infact happened before (the relationship with my mother & me).
Granted the relationship with my eldest isn’t great & i did yell (in doing so she perhaps felt she couldn’t turn to me, just like i felt when i couldn’t turn to my mother).
It was like being a teen again yesterday but not the happy parts.
But maybe just maybe, the trauma/behavioural patterns I’ve felt have been passed down from mother to daughter through the lineage for many years even though times & traditions have changed.
The sad part is, the way my relationship is in regards to my eldest, it’s the sad knowing that she will have emotional traumas to go through just as i did in yesterday’s moments.
But hers will be traumas of having a mother like me & not the mother i should have been to her if I’d only let my guard down & let my vulnerability come through, instead of being a cast iron bitch fueled by anxiety & yelling instead of talking softly & listening.
Granted that past version of me no longer exists, but it will always exist for her like an emotional invisible scar under the surface & in her memory.
Not being the mother my eldest should of had will always be my biggest regret.
I’ve realised alot over the last 24hrs & on a much deeper level in regards to what some call ‘The Mother Wound’.
As i try & clear as many generational/lineage cycles as i can as they pop up. I know 1 day my eldest will have my cycle if trauma to go though & clear just as i am doing with the cycles popping up for me now & future pops.
So I’m going to be taking the time today to refresh & renew.
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
”I am the daughter
of a daughter.
Who is the daughter
of a daughter.
Who is also the daughter
of a daughter.
Some of us are mothers
but all of us are daughters,
all birthed through lines
that weave back to
that First Mother.
All connected from
the very beginning.
All connected in the now.
Great Great Grandmothers.
All daughters born from
One. Original. Egg.
One. Original. Woman.
So why the separation?
Why the animosity toward each other?
Why the arguing and fighting,
back-stabbing and lack of support?
The next time you see another woman,
look in her eyes and see the
Ancestral Lines – the lines of women –
that lead back to you.
Where are we going Mother?
And how will we get there Sister?
By staying connected Daughter
and allowing for difference.
For we are each one,
~Arlene Bailey ©2020, “The Daughter Line”
Painting by Julie Dillon, ”The Daughter of the Daughter of My Daughter”
Yesterday was a hard day for me.