As i lie here in my bed.
I contemplate & reminisce about the last 2years.
I was a Spiritual before my Spiritual awakening journey (Wicca & Astrology were the stepping stones on my Spiritual journey during my teen years).
You see for me personally there’s a big difference between BEing Spiritual & BEing Spiritually Awakened.
BEing Spiritual in my teens. I remember being only interested in the good stuff & topics that interested me (love spells & my sun sign).
However BEing Spiritually Awakened to me means accepting & integrating my shadow, seeing/hearing the dark & transforming into light, evolving with each acknowledged feeling-healing-releasing, inner work (no matter how much I’ve tried to side step the healing & releasing in the past).
I’ve come to the conclusion in tonight’s moments that at the start of my Spiritual Awakening Journey i had a big attachment behavioural cycle (looking back i also experienced this cycle with family members in the past long before my Spiritual Awakening Journey. In which i would bitch & complain for hours only to go against advice & in doing so not find a solution).
In running through that particular cycle.
I found i lost touch with my own independence (i relied on the advice & guidance of others instead of seeking out the knowledge for myself. And at times this behavioural cycle of mine would sometimes often trigger others).
I ultimately put individuals on peddlestools & looked to them for support & guidance instead of relying solely on myself (which was also another cycle of hermit/isolation mode which wasn’t much better either as i ultimately ended up isolating myself & shutting people out who cared about me).
I also experienced the cycle of victimhood when i would often detach from socialising when i felt my vibrational frequency wasn’t upto par (low vibrations) as i was worried about my low vibe affecting those around me (i didn’t want to bring their own vibrational frequency down too).
I also went through the cycle of overthinking (did i upset someone?,
did i write that message properly?,
will the message come across the wrong way? (crossed wires),
oh shit i haven’t heard back have i offended them?,
i really hope they like me,
should i message?,
should i of sought advice?,
fuck i should of researched that topic/situation myself,
fuck i hope i haven’t triggered them as i really didn’t mean to, etc).
Co-dependancy, people pleaser, hamster wheel of repeating cycles yet not jumping to get off & break the cycle instead of repeating.
Ultimately metaphorically when that safety net was pulled early this summer. I went through all those cycles listed above over & over like a washing machine constantly on a spin cycle.
This past Summer wasn’t all sunshine & sand for me.
It was inner work.
Facing & breaking old behavioural cycles/patterns.
It was letting go of attachment (at times it was alot harder not to message someone than to actually take myself into solitude).
I would often find myself crying, sitting in silence & experienced moments of overthinking & unable to switch off (sleep).
Although some of those bonds were only a couple of years old, it fucking hurt alot when some chose to go their own way (& it’s understandable as we all grow & evolve).
Yeah the start of the Summer was a bitch for me (ever gone on holiday feeling low & depressed? That was how i felt during quiet moments on my week long holiday).
Even writing, colouring/painting/drawing & talking about it didn’t help.
June was a dark month. Who knows i might of been experiencing the dark night of the soul.
It felt alot like loss.
It wasn’t until the end of July/beginning of August when that dark cloud slowly started to shift & drift away.
September was a month of building, nourishing, nurturing, evolving, growing & transforming.
Now we’re in the Autumnal months & just as the leaves turn beautiful crimson shades of red, amber & brown, let go of the branches of the tree & fly gracefully in the wind.
Metaphorically so too do i let go of who i no longer AM, attachments, behavioural patterns/cycles etc.
I rely on myself (and those closest to me) into my life & auric field.
I AM no longer relying on others for advice/guidance/support.
I AM mindful of my focus (as where your focus goes, energy flows).
I AM approachable yet no longer accessible.
My divine energy & peace is more precious to me than gold & diamonds.
I have let go of all energy which isn’t my own & returned back to source/sender.
I have called all my energy back (past, present, & future timelines).
And ultimately Evolved.
I have never felt more intune/aligned/closest to my Higher Self than i have til recently & I’m reluctant to ever lose myself/evolutionary process of awakening/healing/releasing ever again.
Remember Scrooge in A Christmas Carol?. How much he loved his gold?.
That’s how I AM with my focus & divine energy.
I’ve learnt, realised & released so much since this Summer Of Solitude.
And I’d like to thank all of the lessons which i learned (some reluctantly) which ultimately BEcame Blessings.
Here’s to another season of shedding which no longer resonates just as the seasons change. Just as the trees shed their leaves in the crisp autumnal breeze.
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
As i lie here in my bed.