I woke up today.
Got dressed & wrote down lastnight’s dream.
I woke up in a daze (early morning start) & felt slightly sad by the emotional footprint my dream had left.
My dream had a few faces from school in.
In my teens i wasn’t the greatest of friends (i was bitchy back then).
Yet those 3 faces i saw in the dream made me feel sad.
Sad at my behaviour back then which ultimately made the friendships distant more & more as time went by.
And also to the fact it’s nearly 20years since i left school.
I woke up wondering how those people were?.
Had the years been kind to them?.
Had they changed & matured or had their quirky personalities remained the same like aged fine wine.
Ultimately i wondered if they were happy?.
Not the happy smile you paste on to prove to others you’d made something of yourself then go home lonely, open a bottle of wine & cry yourself to sleep.
I mean GENUINELY happy.
Like every possible area of their lives even if a few areas might need a few re-touches/fixing.
I woke up genuinely curious.
Yet i hoped they were all ok.
You see when i think of my school years, i don’t just think of the people i got on with. I also think about those who were less kind.
Maybe the bullies turned their lives around?.
Maybe the childish popularity contests were over?.
Maybe on a whole, some of those who i went to school with evolved.
I’m lying here thinking & wondering if some are actually awake?.
I’m not sure if it’s my monthly hormones kicking in but as the day went on i started to look at my life.
Now normally I’d shut these feelings down as ‘time of the month’ as i tend to get low. However i felt the dream was a sign to face my life.
Am i happy?.
I mean am i genuinely happy?.
At first the straight answer was No.
I wasn’t happy.
Comparing myself to others (‘oh they’ve got a house’). It did bring me down & i started to feel like a failure.
I’m gonna go back to Thursday night & go into depth………..
I had a dream on Thursday night where i had seen a date (in the dream i thought it was the date of my death & in the dream i felt relieved).
As Friday evening hit.
I was run down.
Slight fever & cold.
I was restless.
I’d always been afraid of death since a loved one passed when i was younger.
The first death you remember really tends to stick with you.
My mind was racing with anxiety on Friday night.
Yet it turned out to be another onion layer of emotions that needed to be acknowledged, healed & released.
I got in bed.
Closed my eyes.
Allowed myself to relax.
Mentally told myself i was ok.
I was safe.
I was loved.
I am protected.
And drifted off to sleep.
By the next day i was better.
I broke a cycle of fear (death).
So today the school cycle popped up.
Am i happy?.
Am i genuinely happy?.
No, I’m not.
But then i looked back to a time when i thought things wouldn’t get better (my trauma of 2012).
I acknowledged i wasn’t happy in these moments.
But i was grateful.
As even in my darkest moments (2012) i didn’t give up back then even if i felt back then, that i wouldn’t of made it (suicidal thoughts & depression).
I figured that if i could turn that dark period of my life around. I had the power to change the direction of my life (even if I’ve never had a clue in which direction to take).
Truth is, I’ve never known what direction to take. Most people i spoke to/went to school had their lives planned out (college, university, careers etc).
Some are homeowners now.
Some have families.
Some run their own business.
Some are working on their own craft & creating.
Some are university graduates.
And yes at times i do feel like a failure.
Stuck in a property (if you’re familiar with Homeswapper you’ll understand what i mean) wanting to start afresh & move on from my hometown.
Yet when you take a giant leap out of the picture i realised although I’m not where I’d ideally like to be.
I’m still travelling to where i want to be.
I haven’t stopped moving.
I haven’t remained stuck in stagnant mentality waters.
And it feels like freedom.
Like at any given moment i can choose/change the course of where my life goes & which direction it takes.
People may remember me from my childhood.
People may remember me from a year ago.
Family may think they know me from birth.
Yet, No one knows how i see myself in my head (I’m like a Spiritual superhero warrior goddess😆).
Looking back, at times i was the shy wallflower.
Other times i was the girl who loved making people laugh by telling corny jokes.
Whether it was in a classroom (getting told off by the teacher in year6 for disrupting the class) or by Tesco cash machines (in my teens i actually caught a boy’s attention that day outside Tesco & no it didn’t last 😆).
Other times i was the bitch.
A few times i look back & wish I’d kept my mouth shut.
Yet others i wish I’d stood my ground & shouted Fuck No!.
Makes me wonder how I’ll look back in 20years from now?.
I hope i still have the warm glow of gratitude.
Feeling mellow & sombre in these moments as the sunsets on a Sunday evening.
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
I woke up today.