Whilst I’m lying in bed.
Comfy & cosy.
I feel to reflect on yesterday’s moments.
I woke up.
Headed out on a walk to see how bad the ice/snow was to drive in.
Cleared the snow off my car.
Went to work.
Call back go to A&E.
Was seen & ecg done.
Went to ACU.
Red faced from the anxiety.
Placed on ecg machine.
Heart & bloods fine.
Prescription for anxiety given.
Questions asked by loved one & emotions flared up.
Dropped off sick note.
Looked at the packaged prescription.
“Do I really need to take this?”.
“It’s 12/12 today. Energies are high”.
Messaged loved ones & heard back.
Spoke to loved one.
Guidance sought & given.
Wrote a letter to the Universe & my body.
Cup of inner peace tea with ashwagandha already within the tea bag.
Tried listening to music.
Watched recommend video.
Needed to ground & shift energy.
Got into all 4s yoga position.
Shifted my weight.
Saw & felt my stomach/lungs expand.
Listened to video.
Breathed deeply in.
Held onto & cradled that calm inner peace feeling I felt.
Took that feeling to bed.
Focused on my gentle breathing.
And cuddled my pink bunny Teddy (which I cuddle when I need reassurance as it was given to me by a cherished loved one).
As I ponder & reflect on yesterday’s moments. I feel I learned something yesterday (even when I was in a whirlwind of anxiety).
I realise in these moments, I don’t always ground myself (hence the need/urge to get on all 4s yesterday evening. Rock my body & shift the heaviness I was feeling within my body & focus on my deep breathing).
In all honesty the last 2weeks I’ve been a mess. I’ve felt emotional (female cycle) both happy & sad. Tears of gratitude & release.
I think/feel yesterday all I needed was confirmation that what I was feeling (heart palpitations) was all ok. If I’d embraced the 1st one, I might not have freaked out anxiety wise & caused more.
I was pacing with adrenaline yesterday.
I was frequently putting my cold hands to my crimson cheeks trying to calm the heat I felt from the rosiness & warmth of my face.
I may of thought I was calm.
Yet I was shallow breathing (short breaths in & out).
Yet when I shifted the heaviness in my body lastnight whilst on all 4s.
Focusing on my breathing & allowing my ribcage/lungs to expand.
The energy ball of anxiety I was carrying within me eased.
I slept from 6.30pm til 5.30am today. That’s the longest I’ve slept in a while.
And whilst I’m in this warm cosy bed reflecting on yesterday. I know I need to start doing the things I enjoy as lately I’ve been putting myself (meditating, colouring, creating, blogging, writing etc) on the back-burner.
I realised I’d been so scared of doing anything incase a heart palpitation happened that I’d stopped doing the things I enjoyed.
I cocooned myself again & once again I didn’t tell those closest to me spirituality that I needed help/guidance/support. As I was worried about the co-dependacy cycle being triggered again.
I tried everything…
Inner chats with inner child.
Limiting salt, sugar & fried foods.
Plenty of water.
Trying to get 8hrs sleep a night.
Eating healthy (body fuel).
Rescue remedy spray.
Telling my body to heal.
Feel & flow (pushing the energy ball of anxiety out of my body).
I was at my wits end in yesterday’s moments.
At times even my partner couldn’t help.
When I look back at my life. There was 2 people I would go to when I needed support/reassurance/a listening ear & a cuddle.
Even whilst I was sitting on a hospital bed hooked up to an ecg machine. I got emotional knowing why I was sad.
Those 2 people passed.
They both meant the world to me.
The 1st passed a year after my eldest was born. It still stings to this day how much he is missed.
The 2nd passed during the 1st year of the pandemic. I kept away thinking I was doing the right thing (due to her health).
They were my sounding boards.
My listening ear (even if I did repeat the same shit over & over at times).
The were my safe space.
I’m getting emotional writing this now.
I know I need & can be that sanctuary that they were to me.
I can listen to myself.
I can comfort myself.
I can sit & actively listen to my what my body is trying to tell me.
I can talk to my thoughts & calm them down.
I can move & release emotions/thoughts/feelings just by shifting my body.
I have the power.
I embrace my power.
I AM powerful.
I can be that person I needed whilst I was growing up (I had loved ones around me to guide me & show me the way).
I am on my path, no one else’s.
I will not change who I AM to fit into a person’s box (people pleasing) who is committed to misunderstanding me.
Nor will I trauma explain myself over & over.
Maybe this is what needed to be written & released?.
Emotions as well as childhood trauma?.
But I do feel lighter for writing this.
I forgot who I AM for the past 2 weeks.
Yet you can never lose your power.
Even if it is hidden under a blanket of anxiety/emotions.
I’m going to relish these moments of peace, calm & clarity.
And remember that every moment I take is the future.
The future isn’t a day/time it’s a moment.
The present is BEing.
The past is a memory whether good or bad.
I’m gonna chill for today & remain in my cosy bubble of breathing/clarity for as long as this moment lasts (hopefully I carry it for a while. This grounding moment. This moment of clarity. As a moment to remember & continue).
I want to be able to remember this moment & to come back to it should I ever feel unshaken.
♡*repeat as you feel/choose*☆
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
Whilst I’m lying in bed.