Breakdown -to- Breakthrough Blog 06/01/2023

It takes me a long time til I feel I’ve reached that breaking point.

I go a while facing ups & downs. Building myself back together piece by piece each time.

Tonight I’ve reached that breaking point.
I found a corner of my front room where I can hide, cuddled a pillow & cried my eyes out. At 1st I couldn’t even cry, I was staring into space not knowing how to respond/react.

I can’t remember the last time I had 8hrs uninterrupted sleep, I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal without thinking how much fat/salt/sugar it contained. I can’t remember what it’s like to actually relax in your own skin without being fully alert all the time. I can’t remember the last time I had my own space/time to myself even for a few minutes/hours. I can’t even remember the last time I called someone & said “hey, I’m really not great can we talk/I need help”.
I can’t remember the last time I had me time/space to do my own thing (dancing, spa day, sorting & adding to my website etc).
I can’t even remember the last time I felt at ease breathing without worrying if the next breath would cause a heart palpitation to happen (crazy right?).

I’m stubborn. It all comes from childhood when I relied on loved ones & then they passed on. That same cycle tended to happen with friendships over my life (people drifted apart).

Somehow over the years, asking for help has become stigmatised “You’re weak, you’re unfit, you’re unstable etc”.

Mental health has been brushed off at times as “oh you’re hormonal, are you on your period/pregnant?, “oh you’re just having a bad day”.

Truth is it’s not something you can brush off. Anxiety & depression creep up on you. Whether it be weeks, months or even years.

My life lately has felt like Groundhog day. An endless loop. Only today I broke down.
I broke down fucking hard to the point I’m hiding in a corner of my front room with my hoody hood up, crying into a pillow, with unopened anxiety & beta blocker pills in my pocket (because my stubborn arse knows I will get through this breakdown just like the other ones I’ve had through the duration of my current life journey).

Yes I’m listening to Lutricia McNeal’s song Stranded over & over wishing loved ones who passed on into Spirit where here with me for comfort & guidance.

Ironically one of the anxiety pill side effects is heart palpitations (so they won’t be getting taken).

I feel so alone right now it’s unbelievable. Yet I refuse to reach out as once when I was a teen I got told “You’re depressing”. Hence why I don’t like burdening anyone with my feelings/problems.

At this moment in time, no I’m not ok. But I know I will be as I know it’s just how I roll. I cry it out, sort myself out & get myself back together again.

It’s ok to not be ok. No one is love & light happy go lucky all the time.

At times I’m sarcasm, swear words & anti social. Other times I’m funny, write a decent blog & in alignment.

Tonight I’m *I need 8-9hrs uninterrupted sleep & a decent cuppa tea/hot chocolate. Oh & a cuddle from someone who genuinely cares about me* might of let slip my relationship is on the rocks too (my choice/decision as some of you may know I can’t stand certain cycles/patterns).

I also know this breakdown is a sign things need to change, as maybe my higher self/who I came here to be has had enough of some of the choices/decisions/crap that has been going on for so long.

My job is great.
I love my kids.
I have ones who are close to me.
I have a partner (although sometimes it feels like I’m single in the relationship).

Mum, cook, cleaner, driver, partner, homemaker, counsellor, friend, auntie, daughter, sister, friend, bitch, witch, goddess.

So many names………

Yet all I want right now at this point is rest, sleep & peace.
I crave it so bad to have a day/week/month/year (s) of no heart palpitations, anxiety, stress, not shouting/raising my voice, no bullshit from anyone. Yet I feel like I’m stuck in a loop & I can’t remember when it all began. It’s that bad.

Maybe this is the breakthrough (not breakdown) that I might possibly needed.

I wonder if any of the spiritual gurus had a similar breakdown/breakthrough moment?.

Funnily enough since I’ve been typing out this blog, my tears have stopped & I’m starting to yawn (heart releasing energy).

I can’t even remember if I’ve ever wrote a raw blog like this before?.

I’ve been sitting in the same spot for nearly an hour now & my arse has gone numb *ouch* 😅🤣

I’m gonna try & nap.

Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.

©KM2023