A dear one told me “as you write, you’re healing”.
So here’s the blog I’ve been putting off for so long.
A wound which opens, no matter how many times I think I’ve healed it.
The pattern in mine is whenever the grandparents pass so too does the ties with the rest of the extended family.
Like a pebble being chucked in the river, a ripple effect happens & those ripples get further & further apart until they merge with the river & vanish.
This past week I’ve had emotions & memories which popped up. And I haven’t even put pen to paper this time to write it all out. Instead I’m laying it bare here for all to see.
You see when I was a kid I had a sheltered upbringing (granted my parents used to row & bicker like many do).
I was a spoilt brat growing up.
I remember when I was 7/8 years old, in my room having a tantrum on my bed because I wanted a Vtech toy laptop so badly.
Looking back now in my 30s at the amount of clutter & toys my parents must of thrown out over the years like WTF.
Many meaningless items which were more than likely brought on the spur of the moment/impulse buying.
When I look back at the whole family dynamic I see uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents.
I remember Christmas Day we stayed home yet Boxing Day was Nan’s house or Aunt’s house.
The young childhood/adolescent years were always at Nan’s. I can still remember her sharp tongue (she was a strong Scottish woman who took no nonsense or shit from anyone), I remember her accent & telling me “not to keep looking at the floor like a donkey” or twiddling with my hair anxiously. I even remember her cooking bacon rind on the cooker for a fry up breakfast.
All these memories yet I wasn’t as close to her as some were.
To some she was more than a grandmother, she was a mum.
One of the many elders who I often wish were here to console & advise the ones who really need their voice.
I often wonder if the family members lives would still be the same if the ones who passed on were still here physically.
I hope many paths could be changed & so much pain could be avoided if many of them were still here physically.
In short, I’m not close to my extended family. I’m not in that ‘inner circle’. Some may still percieve me/have a version of me in their heads which no longer exists.
Yet as I’m writing this, maybe it’s me who has attachment issues (looking back at memories & wishing family ties/bonds could be stronger).
Then again, could I truly be myself without worrying if I’m liked or not by merely being in their presence?.
I used to get anxious nearly all the time. Do I fit in?.
Should I have come round?.
Maybe I should of come round another day?.
Shit, did I trauma drop or overly explain things?.
Did I just dump BS/go round to bitch?.
Shit, there’s a BBQ I didn’t know about, should I go home?.
Am I even welcome/wanted round here?.
So many emotions & thoughts I remember & that was even before I knocked on the front door.
I’ve never fitted in.
Despite trying to make appearances (yet bailing out when the anxiety kicked in) & reach out occasionally.
I was looking back & thinking of 1 of my cousin’s these past 2weeks & hoping she was doing well.
I looked back over the FB messenger messages today.
I read them.
Many of them were blue (my side of the messages).
Then something came to me.
‘Let her heal in peace’.
I realised as much as I wanted to message her & say ‘HEY I’M HERE FOR YOU’.
It would of likely fell on deaf ears.
You see, she doesn’t need me messaging her.
She has those around in her close inner circle who she can confide in.
And eventually she will find her way, whether through fire or rain.
She will find her way.
It’s a bitter pill to acknowledge & swallow in these moments to feel like no matter how nice you are, some people just aren’t on your frequency/wavelength no matter how much you just want to jump through the phone & hug them.
They just aren’t on your path anymore.
It’s a really sad feeling.
To actually see (feel & acknowledge).
As the years have gone by that, that ripple has gone further & further out of reach/sight.
Personally for me at times my ego has got in the way when I was thinking & I didn’t want to use attachment words ‘that’s my cousin. I know them’. When the harsh fact is, I haven’t known them since childhood nor they me.
As many are aware I’m very cautious with attachment words (My, I AM, I Will, So it is etc) due to the energy cord that attaches.
Hence I’m more stoosh with where my focus & energy goes since I woke up many years ago.
Coming to the conclusion, maybe I miss the memories because we were close at one point.
There are so many happy memories each of the family members has.
Yet spiritually there’s duality where some memories will hurt more than others.
I hope all who are kin to me in this life are happy & healthy.
I guess that’s one of the reasons I will never do a reading for a family member (as I’d only want to tell them good things plus there’s the personal aspect of being close/knowing a loved one who’s passed).
Don’t get me wrong, I Know my divine gifts & it’s in dreams where I sometimes get most of my warnings from loved ones in spirit to pass on to another member of the family.
Yet I’m still learning & my intuition is heightened.
I think a big thing for me personally is to let go.
Let go of the anxiety (‘will they like me?’) & just fucking get on with my life.
You see, it’s ok to look back at memories but try not to get stuck there.
I’ve been stuck down memory lane for the past 2weeks now I’m ready to shift passed this onion layer of healing & evolve.
Am I the same as I was last year?.
Am I the same as I was 10 years ago?.
The fun, sarcasm & creativity maybe.
All I know for sure is, I’m 1 of many branches on a big fucking tree & we all grow in different directions.
But we all came from love & we’re all rooted in love.
Man, that tree is fucking strong………
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
A dear one told me “as you write, you’re healing”.