I woke up feeling angry (due to being triggered by a moment yesterday).
I deeply listened to how i was feeling & it wasn’t anger.
Under the mask of anger was sadness hidden in a corner crying & looking at an old wound & wondering if the wound had healed.
I spent the early moments thinking & trying to word how I was planning on putting things (3hr conversation in my mind with the Universe listening to every word, feeling & thought).
I came to a conclusion & I knew I needed to speak my truth.
I ultimately ended up wording things on a private group chat & letting my loved ones know how I was feeling.
It wasn’t just a few days worth of emotions/thoughts.
It was 7 months worth.
From how I had felt back then (but that version of me is totally different to how I am in these moments).
I have changed, shifted & evolved.
Yet it wasn’t the old me writing (the soft marshmallow trying to keep things together).
It was who I had evolved into writing & flowing with the words.
I invisage the old me crying & trying to hold things together & pleas of ‘why?’ & trying to fix everything for everyone involved.
Over the last 7 months I’ve undergone a transformation & I’ve broken a lot of cycles (no matter how reluctant I was at 1st to face & feel them).
There’s only so much you can brush under the carpet before that mole hill becomes a mountain.
I needed to be honest with my loved ones as I knew I was close to going into hermit mode & isolating myself (another cycle).
So I let the words flow & soon those words turned into a paragraph or 2.
Yet I didn’t feel worried.
I wasn’t 2nd & 3rd guessing what I was writing/what was coming up.
I wrote it the best I could (granted it wasn’t as eloquently put as I’d hoped. After all, I did have a full 3hr conversation in my head a few minutes prior to the actual write out of it all).
As nasty as those 1st few months were with the group going their separate ways.
As much as I missed those weekly meet ups.
As much as I went over how we had gotten there over & over in my head & the amount of times I’d blamed myself for relying on them too much (co-dependancy/advice).
I didn’t engage in conversations as I’d placed each of them on a peddlestool. I listened & marvelled at what each of them had to say.
I also was focused on raising the Vibration nearly everytime I was there so much so I would slightly zone out in a medative state.
I’d also avoid going sometimes & isolated myself when I felt my vibrational frequency wasn’t up to par (feeling low & anxious).
I was also so worried about draining them (by my low mood at times) mentally for me it made me feel worse.
Spiritually I did at times feel inferior (victimhood mentality) as they are such beautiful beings both inside & out.
They seemed to have their shit/lives together/sorted.
Ultimately Spiritually wise, I felt I didn’t measured up at times.
I’m able to write this up now as an observer from that past version of myself.
Had I written this as soon as things changed, I doubt I’d of been able to stop crying & over explain things.
But those are past feelings/thoughts which I’ve gone through & faced today.
Another onion layer of healing complete & shifted.
But that isn’t the only relationship which has shifted.
I had a moment whilst I was watering my plants by the window & caught 1 of my neighbours/friend’s driving.
I knew someone was with her & teaching her.
I felt a warm glow of happiness sweep over me.
I was/am proud of her.
You see our friendship took a turn a few months ago especially when I found a new job.
Then I got pissed off 1 day being called neighbour not friend.
I’m not gonna lie, I was pissed off.
After all the years of helping, sorting, advising etc. I did think ‘what the fuck?’.
But then I realised (those many weeks ago).
I needed to take a step back & not help as much (as it was starting to get to me).
So I took a step back (well maybe a big leap back).
I ghosted for a few weeks & focused on myself.
It was much needed.
Yet as the weeks have gone by.
I feel she has evolved.
I’d like to think she has gone through a cycle of transformation.
And has ultimately healthily trusted herself & relied upon her self at new levels.
It’s a cycle which beautifully ties into the past 7months.
I did message the individual to say I’m proud of her.
Granted I found out that she wasn’t driving a friend was but still, I’m still proud of her.
It does make me think & wonder.
If the group didn’t spread their wings & each go their own way.
Would I have truly found myself?.
I doubt it.
And that’s why I’m grateful for all I have learned in the past 7months (and I am grateful for my life & the beautiful souls around me both physically & spiritually).
I’m also loving who I’ve become (both inside, outside & spiritually).
I’m gonna leave the blog there as I don’t feel there’s much more I need to write.
Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
Observer (Cycles) Blog 27/01/2023