Bottled Tears Blog 09/05/2023

I’m starting to under the difference between the Divine Feminine & The Dive Masculine aspects of myself.

I’ve taken a few weeks of self care to find my centre & find some clarity.

I’m sitting here writing with eye strained eyes from crying.

Today I broke down due to feeling overwhelmed by the day’s events. From being around someone who never hears me to having to deal with a busted washing machine at home (I gave up trying to call the helpline as I’d had enough of listening to a robot & the music loop due to waiting).

I realised I was the 1 who was always trying to hold things together.

It brought me back to remembering my last reading when a reader told me she could see a little of my Divine Masculine shadow.

Yes, I am a strong woman.

But I don’t want to be strong all the time.
I don’t want to make all the decisions/planning.
I don’t want to judge my day all the time & jumping from 1 thing onto the next (It makes me feel like a stop/start engine & it’s very draining).
I don’t want to be sporadic/spontaneous all the time.
I don’t want to always be in the drivers seat.

I want to feel peace (I desire it).
I want someone else to make some of the decisions.
I want to be able to rest, reflect & genuinely chill out before I eventually burn out (due to cortisol running through my system daily).
I want a decent night’s sleep instead of waking up through the night (it would also be nice to switch off mentally before bed also).

I woke up feeling great today. Sleepy but great. Then in later moments, things went to shit.

I’m not depressed. I have allowed my tears to flow instead of bottling them up. I just felt so overwhelmed with trying to hold things together.

I even wore some mascara & lipstick before I went out for a pick me up due to feeling tired.

Honestly right now…..

I just want someone to wrap me in a fluffy blanket & cuddle me whilst I cried.

I know how I’m feeling in this moment is a test & it’s merely shedding a layer of who I no longer am.

I’ve been allowing my Divine Feminine side to come out via choice of clothes & make up ideas.

But allowing myself to cry freely has been a hard one.

Growing up crying was always seen as a sensitive weakness. So you bottled it up, swallowed your tears & “just carried on”.

I’ve realised in these moments, it wasn’t healthy.
I was bottling up tears.
Tears of trauma.
Tears of anger.
Tears of frustration.
Tears of pain.
Tears of rage.
Tears of depression/sorrow/loss.
Tears of resentment/regrets.

And as those years went on, so too did the bottling up of tears.

Until 1 day there’s an explosion due to the slightest trigger.

Then BOOM!

Tidalwave of tears.

You weren’t healing, you were holding onto emotions like a hot rock (getting burned in the process) & not feeling & flowing with them then releasing them. Like a flower petal flowing down the river/stream.

I’m very vocal & open lately with people around me.

Yet sometimes they still can’t hear me (different frequencies).

Then when I start to raise my voice (as I wasn’t listened to the 1st few times & the electric wired fence of a boundary kept being activated) that’s when things got messy.

I’ve also noticed a rumble of a roar in my voice when a boundary was crossed (repeatedly) even when I’m setting a boundary politely.

I’d like to think it was my higher self coming in to enforce with magic.

I learnt long ago from a friend who said “if you keep focusing on it, it will manifest” (that was in regards to heart palpations & she was right).

So I’ve learned to flow/feel through/breathe through each & every emotion/thought without attachment.

When you’ve spent so much of your life building walls to protect yourself (protection built from the Divine Masculine aspect of yourself).

It can feel hard to let those walls down as you’ve relied on yourself for so long.

Your skin is strong like armour on the outside.

But on the inside you’re squishy & cuddly.

In truth, I don’t find it easy to let others get to close to me as I’m used to being on my own (whether that be friendships/relationships that drifted apart).

After a while you get used to your own solitude.

And at times it can be peaceful.

Yet others Fucking Lonely as Fuck.

I don’t want to be some titanium mega bitch.

I don’t want to be strong all the time.

For once, I’d like someone to hold me, fight for me, have my back like I would do for them.

I’m beginning to think/feel it’s knowing which aspect to use/feel/be as & when you feel to (do I embrace my inner Divine Feminine in this moment?, or should I turn to my inner Divine Masculine for guidance in this moment?).

I don’t want to think too much into it as I have a thing about over analysing things at times 😅. Those who have known me for the last 3years regarding my Spiritual Awakening Journey can attest to that 🤣.

Weirdly & oddly, I’m feeling much better after writing this blog. Although the fluffy blanket cuddle still feels like a good idea.

Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.

©KM2023