Sludge Moments Blog 11/11/2023

Fighting.

In these moments I’ve realised I’ve been Fighting (alot).


Fighting the council for a secure home for my little one who’s on the spectrum.

Fighting the energy company for a smart meter removal.

Fighting the low self doubt thoughts in my head. That normally tell me to just “give up & get on with things” & “just go back on the anti depressants”.

I’ve been fighting the dark narrative for 3years when they pushed the jab narrative.

It seems like all I’ve done lately is fight.

I’ve felt…

Overstimulated.
Unable to sleep (insomnia).
Restless & unable to rest incase I’ll be needed to sort something.
Easily triggered due to tiredness (from all of the above).

I’ve also felt incredibly lonely. As I tend to isolate myself from others when I’m dealing with my own shit (to put it bluntly).

And whilst I’ve made silent & quiet moves & continued to remain mindful & raise my vibrational frequency despite the low moments (& also doing alot of releasing & integration).

I’ve realised I’m not a quitter.

You see…..

10years+ years ago I experienced severe depression.

The kind of depression that can make you have suicidal thoughts.

The kind of depression where you don’t want to eat/unable to eat.

The kind of depression in which you don’t want to get out of bed & get motivated.

It clings to you like tar which infects your mind & your very existence.

In my life I have known loved ones who have exited their soul contracts via suicide, cancer & other ailments & also ‘old age’.

I have witnessed friends/family in the past deal with their inner demons via addiction (sex, drugs & alcohol).

And whilst I have overcome the depression which could have easily consumed me years ago.

I never gave up.

You see.

No matter how much good someone can see within us. It’s often extremely difficult to see those good qualities within ourselves.

I haven’t always said nice things to people & been mindful.

I often haven’t followed advice when it was given time & time again.

Lately my mind has been so overstimulated with things ‘I need to do’ that new information never got a chance to be truly absorbed.

I do know 1 thing though.

I’m never gonna give up.

No matter how many times I find myself in the child yoga pose crying & self soothing.

I’ll never give up.

You see when you’re experiencing moments of worthlessness & you’re ‘feel-in-g’ like a failure or you don’t know who you are anymore.

You could infact be evolving.

Like a catapillar turning into sludge.
Like a lotus growing in the darkness.

You know what’s not working anymore. As your triggers have been your signposts.

And whilst I’m in these moments of self isolation because I don’t want my vibe affecting others.

Please don’t worry about me.

I’ve never been one to give up.

(I guess the stubbornness runs in my lineage).

I’m not one to shy away from a chance to evolve.

If anything I look forward to it as I know it was all part of one’s soul contract/Blueprint.

And yes it may feel deeply sad to feel so isolated from those I love talking to.

Please understand. I don’t do this for me, I do this for you.

So my current vibes don’t bring you down (I’ve been experiencing this particular cycle for years). And I’m actively sorting through the next steps (& resting/replenishing along the way).

So today I intend to take it easy.

To catch up on some crochetting (of the blanket that’s been on hold for a week).

To meditate in those quiet moments.

To eat decent healthy food (& not the quick fix sugar snacks).

And to ultimately call back all of my energy, to recentre & recalibrate within.

And I’m hoping to get out for a walk later.

I know I’ll be ok. As I didn’t come here to give up as easily.

I’m recouping/recuperating.

And whilst I’m aware. I’m not to stay in one place too long (as we’re constantly evolving). I intend to stay here. In these brief experiential moments. And just BE.

All is well.
I know I AM safe.
I AM not my negative self talk thoughts.
I know I AM resting, recuperating & replenishing.
I know I AM evolving.

And I know I’ll be back to shining my light brightly soon.

Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed day/night.

©KM2023