Another Moment Shifted Blog 22/11/2022

So I had an interesting chat with my inner child whilst hoovering at 4am.

I realised how much I’d let other people’s opinions affect me mentally (no matter how many years had drifted by).

Memories of school were popping up in those early morning moments.

Memories of being told to be nice to people at a young age, to keep my head down & to ‘just get on with it’.

I never fitted in at school. I had 2 small group of friends. Yet I was also bullied. It was difficult as 1 of my groups of friends (group 1) were also friends with the bullies. Which made it weird, awkward & uncomfortable when group 1 met up with the bullies & I was following behind like a shadow trying not to gain eye contact with anyone who didn’t like me.

I still remember 1 of the girls saying to me “I thought you were a monster when I first met you” yet despite me being nice, their behaviour never got any better.

Even the adults weren’t much better back then.

“Hee-Bee-Jee-Be”.
“Ugly”.

When I had my hair cut short 1 time, I was called a boy & bullied.

Truth is, I fucking hated secondary school. And the teachers wondered why I bunked off?.

Even when a few (myself included) were threatened by a teacher “you shrug 1 more time, I’ll break your arms off!”. The head of year didn’t do fuck all!.

Penalised for bunking off when bullying was taking place. Yet schools are Ofsted checked?. Don’t suppose the matter of the School Principal having an affair with a student’s mother was mentioned when the Ofsted inspectors went around.

And then there was the incident that involved 1 of my oldest friends.

Yet again the school was a sham.

Bullying at that said school wasn’t taken seriously back then.

I doubt it is now either to be honest.
I know 1 of the teachers is still there now unless he’s retired “I feel like hitting you right now” was his words to me when I was pulled into his office for bunking off school again.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t innocent. I pissed off 1 or 2 of my friends more than once back then.
There was alot of shit stirring & slagging off.

It’s crazy how much we remember even after 20 or so years have flown by.

I was taught to be nice & stand my ground. Yet because I didn’t wanna upset anyone/get into rows/fights, most of the time a nasty comment “went through 1 ear & out the other’. It was brushed under the carpet & no boundary was set in place.

Things weren’t much better even when I did leave school. I never had a clue what I wanted to do with my life. And the worry of ‘what others would think’ or “oh you can’t do that, you’re not good enough’ constantly stopped me from doing things like an echo at the back of my mind.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a vet, a singer, a comedian.

I used to listen to music & daydream away for hours in my room sitting on a spinning chair with a bottle of Volvic water.

I remember cracking jokes & not caring if people were laughing along with me or at me. ‘Aslong as they were happy’ I thought back then.

I guess my lack of boundaries & the desperate feeling of wanting people to like me carried on into my adult life from my childhood trauma of those secondary school years.

As some of you may know, I don’t shy away from the healing & releasing when/should a past/present trauma/trigger pops up.

This 1 was no different.

In some situations when my intuition was screaming No!. I ignored my inner guidance & went along with the situation as I ‘didn’t want to upset the other person’ ‘didn’t want to let them down’.

I was a doormat/silent wallflower for so many years.

Looking back now, if I’d of stood my ground, set boundaries, wasn’t so desperate to be liked by others & followed my dreams. My feet could of landed in a different place.

I’ve realised so much in these last 2years.

1 being- just because someone is family, doesn’t mean they know you better than you know yourself.

In these current moments, it’s like I’m unwrapping myself from the metaphorical layers of PVA glue (which are other people’s opinions, beliefs & assumptions) & also any energy which isn’t my own is being released & returned to sender as we speak.

I remember at times feeling lonely in my life, whilst others were out getting drunk & mingling at the weekends.

However what’s also popping up for me, is that not fitting in has saved my life.

Like if my 1st toxic relationship didn’t end, I’d still be in that toxic cycle. That toxic relationship which ultimately brought out the worst in each of us. Looking back, I’m glad it ended. I’d only wished I’d had the strength that I do now & had that strength back then. Then that chapter of my life WOULD HAVE BEEN ALOT DIFFERENT & would of had a different ending.

Still think you know me from way back when?.

Try that shit you used to pull back then on the woman I am now!.

I’ve lost people who’ve meant the world to me.

I have people who live close by who wouldn’t step over a puddle to say hello to me.

I’ve also met amazing individuals who would drive to come & see how I was & to check in to see if I’m ok.

I’ve also learnt to leave people in peace.
If they don’t reach out, I don’t reach out.
I know that comes across as abit negative, yet in the past when I’ve tried before, there was never a connection (if that makes sense). Like they have their circle of people who are close to them & I have mine.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve also upset a few family members too & some of those close ties will never be the same again (even after I’ve said sorry, it still never fully healed the deep wound that was left).

In these moments what comes to mind is. I know there will be some situations I will always regret when I look back at certain situations/scenarios of my past.

Granted I probably picked a few wrong battles & should of acted a lot differently.

Truth is, I haven’t always been the best version of myself during every chapter of my life.

Some may have encountered the Bitch.
Some may have encountered the Comedian.
Some may have come across the Cunt.
Whilst others may have looked at the Wallflower (‘Why she no speak?’).
Some may have spent time with the Friend.
Some may have felt listened to & heard out by the Comforter.
Some may have kept walking back & forth from the DoorMat.
Some may have experienced Little Miss Anxiety.
Whilst others may have met The Chilled Out One.
Many may have crossed paths with Little Ms Whirlwind.

In these moments I’m glad for the time outs in my solitude as it’s given me time to go into deep introspection mode.

In doing so rediscover myself again. And in these moments I’m setting myself free.

I couldn’t give a flying brass monkey what anyone thinks of me.

As I’ve been shackled down for years trapped by the words of bullies & people who didn’t like me/agree with the choices/decisions I’ve made.

It has at times felt like a prison sentence.

Shackled by the views/opinions/criticisms & beliefs of others.

Like an invisible cage where the worries/doubts in your mind are the wardens that keep you there in a state of anxiety & stress.

Fear of venturing into unknown territory for fear of judgement/criticism of others.

For those thinking “She hasn’t changed”.

Try me now & find out.

I won’t be playing the part of shy little wallflower anymore.

And I don’t need people to love me, when deep down I love who I am.
I don’t need external validation to know I am worthy.

Cuttings cords has become a silent hobby of sorts lately.

I know who has my back.

I know who supports my growth/evolution.

I know who will speak bluntly to me out of love with no judgement/malice/manipulation attached to the words they speak/express.

I’m aware of those who gossip about others may have also gossiped my name off their lips also out of a personal habit they haven’t broken/acknowledged.

I’m also more observant to others behaviours popping up & also know at times their behaviour may also be helping me uncover triggers/traumas/old behavioural patterns that may be lying stagnant within me that need to be acknowledged, healed & released.

My advice……….

Never fuck with a person who has awakened & is trying to evolve into the best version of themselves & in doing so connect to their/BEcome their higher self.

We’ve done the inner work.
We’ve faced our shadow.
We’ve gone through countless Dark Night (s) of the Soul.

You will be triggered.
You will be angered.
You have been warned.

Whatever step you’re currently at on your Spiritual Awakening Journey/Evolutionary Journey.

I hope you rest.
I hope you heal.
I hope you release & I hope you find peace.

Wherever you are in the world/Great Mother Gaia. I hope you have a blessed/night.

©KM2022